My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Randomize
