I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
