I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize
