You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
