I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
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