just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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