My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Randomize
