So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
