she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
