You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
