Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
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