4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Randomize
