Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
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