She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
