I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
My breasts were aching with rage.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
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