i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
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