the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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