question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
