You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
