I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
4 words: hood of his car
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
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