When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
