Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
Randomize
