DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
