ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
Randomize
