There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize
