I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
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