He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
