I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
i think my cat just said my name.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Randomize
