Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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