the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
