She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."�
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
