i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
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