so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize
