maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
