First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
I'm sobbing to NWA
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Randomize
