Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
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