im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
