remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
