last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
Randomize
