I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize