Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
Randomize
