New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Also, any YOLOwl-related sex photos will result in you winning ten orgasms, courtesy of myself, as well as sweets and bacon-based dinner. All entrants welcome
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
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