How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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