I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
I don't �care how much you're grieving �a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.�
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
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