She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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