Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
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