...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
