i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Randomize
