Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
And the cops told us we were all naked.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Randomize
