You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
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